Dear readers. Motorists, Car Freaks, auto enthusiasts. Let me from start state that I am no petrol head, in all truth. My preferred mode of transport is the humble bicycle, preferably fitted with an electric motor. Well if you think I’m going to pedal my socks off up and down hills, you want your bumps read.
But it has come to my notice that certain members of our society pay more attention to their motorised transport than to their wives, mistresses or partners(please delete as applicable). I have heard tales that such vehicles are lavished with attention, on a daily basis as to make a saint blush.
All the care , the loving words, the caresses, one would think that he (and let’s be honest, it is mostly a he) should sometime shower on the animate one at home or wherever she might be, are devoted to only the article of his affection, which is an inorganic object with four wheels, a roof(if you are lucky) and a nice set of bumpers.
Please don’t think I don’t understand about taking care of things to make them last. After all in today’s economic climate, you would be a fool not to. But there is a vast difference between taking care and drooling.
Please good people if you speak such loving words to your wife etc, your life could be a paradise. There would be no more slamming of meals on to the table in front of you, as if an earthquake was happening. If you caress her(your wife not the car), as you do the object of your delight, your nights would be filled with bliss.
Don’t attempt to buff her bumpers unless you are asked, nor would it be wise to manhandle her gaskets without prior notice .
Show her off to your friends(again your wife not the car), let her be admired.
But for heavens sake don’t leave her in the garage, to rust and decay. Because believe me, some scrap merchants will find a lot use for her,(the wife not the car). So as you wash, polish and buff, remember there is someone, who will also be preparing her bodywork. Do not overlook all the polish and paint that has been used for your delight. Just one day a week is all it takes to maintain her bodywork, headlamps and chassis. Then the rest of the week can be devoted to your car and you can have heaven on earth and not hell on wheels.
Matilda is Motoring World’s London Bureau Chief